you are my sweetest downfall

a response to lindy west’s ‘how to make a rape joke’

modernistwitchery:

Here is the piece, in case you are not familiar. (I don’t read Jezebel and wouldn’t have encountered this piece if it hadn’t popped up on my FB feed a billion times.)

Dear Lindy,

I have agreed with a lot of pieces you’ve written, and I think generally that you’re the only good thing about Jezebel, a site I wrote off ages ago for an assortment of reasons.

There are a few key points in your piece that I agree with - the fact that this has zip to do with freedom of speech, something I was kind of grinding on myself over the last couple of days, and the fact that rape victims/survivors and/or the rape itself should never be a punchline. I loved how you spoke directly to the excuses given by Tosh’s defenders.

But I did not love your postulation that anyone saying that rape jokes aren’t funny is wrong, period.

Those of us, like myself, who have survived sexual violence deal with it in different ways. It’s not on me to tell anyone else how to survive, just as nobody could tell me how to survive. And it’s not on me to tell another survivor what they can or can’t find funny. You know the statistics on sexual assault - how many of us survivors are out there, how many of us didn’t make it. There’s no universal way to get through. That’s a thing I’ve learned working with, loving, organizing and being close to other survivors for a really long time.

I’m actually not personally questioning the ability of dark comedy to skewer important social issues, though I do feel uncomfortable with some of the examples you chose to illustrate your point (more on that a bit) - and I wanted to mention that I personally feel that only those who understand the hell of rape intimately have the right to joke about it. Much has been made of the legitimacy of “gallows humor,” but, to paraphrase a friend, if you’ve never had the noose around your neck, what gallows are you talking about? Some of us have cracked dark jokes as part of our survival strategies - myself included - but I would never say someone who was offended by my cracking a bitter joke about my own rape (especially another survivor) was wrong to take umbrage.

What I wanted to bring up to you in this response was that how YOU personally feel about jokes that skewer rape culture, or how I personally feel, is not the whole picture. It is, in fact, a pretty small part of the debate. People, some of them feminists, have been debating whether rape jokes are appropriate for ages. That’s not what this controversy was about. This controversy was about a threat that a person who had power - celebrity status and a microphone - made to a person who didn’t, a person who was legitimately frightened of that threat.

If someone says ‘rape jokes aren’t funny,’ I trust it to mean that rape jokes aren’t funny TO THEM, ever. I would have read your piece as more of a personal opinion as to what you found funny and what you didn’t find funny if you’d not used that phrase, italicized as it is: everyone is wrong.

It is not inherently wrong to dismiss all jokes having to do with the subject of rape, regardless of whether the punchline is the survivor or the system, regardless of whether you think jokes that pillory the system are ok. You don’t know where someone is with their own trauma. You don’t know how much they’ve healed. You don’t know how they’ve dealt with these things in the past. You don’t know where they’ve drawn their lines. You don’t know why they’ve drawn their lines. And to essentially say “you don’t have the right to voice your discomfort here” - that bothers me.

We’re pretty much talking about work and transmission here. Once I post a piece, once you do, once I perform a song, once a film is released, and so on - it becomes part of the public sphere, and as such is, as I know you understand, subject to receipt and critique. And there are any number of reasons for critique, some of them legitimate, some of them not. An emotional response, a response that says “this hurts me,” needs to be listened to, always.

There is an implication, a tone to your piece, that some feminists are humorless uptight bitches but you’re not like that. You may not have meant that tone, but because of certain phrasing, it read that way to me, and that hurt. There are many, many legitimate critiques of mainstream Feminism, of which Jezebel is certainly a part - it has been a white able-bodied middle-class cis woman’s movement despite the hard work and unmet needs of women (who experience greater oppressions than you or I) outside that narrow definition since, you know, before the term ‘feminist’ even existed, and I find that as utterly unacceptable as many others do. But to to imply that those of us who cannot stomach any jokes that mention sexual violence aren’t With It or whatever, is a pretty toxic position to take.

I promised I’d come back to the examples - both the first and fourth example have egregious racism in them.

The Ever Mainard piece explicitly centers around her, a white woman, encountering what she perceives to be the threat of rape from a Black man. If her piece had been simply about the omnipresent threat of sexual violence that women face everywhere in the world all the time, it would not have necessarily put me off personally. But the fact that she specifically speaks about the dynamic of a white woman who assumes the threat of sexual violence by a Black man in the same culture in which “Birth of a Nation” paved the way for American cinema, a culture in which stereotypes of Black sexuality continue to prop up white supremacist systems of discrimination with deadly consequences, made me feel sick to my stomach.

And the Sacha Baron-Cohen piece … Baron-Cohen has a long history of questionable racist bullshit, and “Borat” was no exception. You even mentioned that the Kazakhs were the butt of the joke in that piece. Not the issues in Kazakh culture (with an eye toward the specific racial and cultural tensions in Central Asia post-Soviet breakup), not specific Kazakhs who have indeed committed atrocities. The Kazakh people as a whole. How is negatively stereotyping an entire nation ever ok (especially if you are not making that critique as someone who grew up in that culture)?

To quote Flavia Dzodan, my feminism will be intersectional or it will be bullshit. To ignore race and focus on misogyny from that single axis, from only a white woman’s perspective, only serves to propel us as white women into positions of greater power while our Black & other POC sisters are left behind. I will never be ok with that, and it’s something I have to keep myself in constant check with. I can never not be totally cognizant of my privilege here. I can never forget that race matters, always. (I would not have been able to explain these ideas so clearly, would not have had the vocabulary for them, if not for POC writers, bloggers and theorists.)

I know you’re smart, and I know that we are pretty much on the same side, which is why I felt compelled to write this response. If it had been anyone else, I don’t know if I would have. I’m feeling kind of exhausted as of late.

I hope all of this adds to the dialogue.

Sincerely,

Jessica Skolnik

SlutWalk London 2012 will be in September!

slutmeansspeakup:

SlutWalk London: the radical notion that nobody deserves to be raped.

We want to make this year’s rally bigger and better than last year! We hope you will all join us in September to protest the silencing of our voices, the repression of our choices and the violence against our bodies. 

This year we will be back even louder than before!  

Watch this space for further details, our aims for 2012 and news!

[Donate]     [Facebook]     [Twitter]

             

Self-Care After Sexual Assault

mentalscubadiving:

Physical self-care is an area that people often overlook.

• Food
  • Food is a type of self-care that people often overlook. People are often so busy that they don’t have time to eat regularly or that they substitute fast food for regular meals.
  • It’s not always reasonable to expect people to get 3 square meals a day (plus snacks!) but everyone should make sure they get adequate nutrition.
• Exercise
  • Exercise is one of the most overlooked types of self-care. The CDC recommends at least 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week.
  • Exercise, even if it’s just a quick walk at lunchtime, can help combat feelings of sadness or depression and prevent chronic health problems.
• Sleep
  • Although everyone has different needs, a reasonable guideline is that most people need between 7-10 hours of sleep per night.
  • See this Medline Plus article for more information about getting a good night’s sleep.
• Medical care
  • Getting medical attention when you need it is an important form of physical self-care.
  • Some survivors put off getting medical care until problems that might have been relatively easy to take care of have become more complicated.

Emotional self-care will mean different things for different people. It might mean…

• Counseling
  • This could mean seeing a psychologist, a clinical social worker, or therapist.
  • Local rape crisis centers often provide counseling or can connect you with a provider. Call (800) 656-HOPE or go to http://centers.rainn.org/to find a center near you.
• Keeping a journal.
  • Some survivors find that recording their thoughts and feelings in a journal or diary helps them manage their emotions after an assault.
• Meditation or relaxation exercises
  • Relaxation techniques or meditation help many survivors with their emotional self-care. For example:
    • Sit or stand comfortably, with your feet flat on the floor and your back straight. Place one hand over your belly button. Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose and let your stomach expand as you inhale. Hold your breath for a few seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth, sighing as you breathe out. Concentrate on relaxing your stomach muscles as you breathe in. When you are doing this exercise correctly, you will feel your stomach rise and fall about an inch as you breathe in and out. Try to keep the rest of your body relaxed—your shoulders should not rise and fall as you breathe! Slowly count to 4 as you inhale and to 4 again as you exhale. At the end of the exhalation, take another deep breath. After 3-4 cycles of breathing you should begin to feel the calming effects.
• Emotional self-care can also involve the people around you. It’s important to make sure that the people in your life are supportive.
  • Nurture relationships with people that make you feel good about yourself!
    • Make spending time with friends and family a priority
  • If you have trouble finding people who can support your experience as a survivor, consider joining a support group for survivors.
• Be wary of…
  • Friends or family who only call when they need something
  • People who always leave you feeling tired or depressed when you see them
  • Friends who never have the time to listen to you
  • Anyone who dismisses or belittles your experience as a survivor
• You can deal with these people by setting limits.
  • You don’t have to cut them out of your life (especially with family, that may not even be an option!) but choose the time you will spend with them carefully.
  • Make sure that your time with these people has a clear end.
  • Cut back on the time you spend with people who don’t make you feel good, or spend time with them in a group rather than one-on-one.
  • Screen your calls!! There’s no rule that says you have to answer your phone every time it rings. If you don’t feel like talking on the phone, call people back at a time that’s more convenient for you.
• You can deal with these people by letting some go.
  • If there are people in your life who consistently make you feel bad about yourself, consider letting those friendships or relationships go.
    • This can be a difficult decision. Remember that you deserve to have people around you who genuinely care about you and who support you.

Another challenge can be in finding time for fun leisure activities. Many survivors have full time jobs, go to school, volunteer and have families. Finding time to do activities that you enjoy is an important aspect of self-care.

• Get involved in a sport or hobby that you love!! Find other people who are doing the same thing!
  • Knowing that people are counting on you to show up can help motivate you.
• If you have a spouse or partner, make a date night and stick with it.
  • Turn off your cell phones (within reason. If the babysitter needs to be able to find you, consider leaving him/her the number of the restaurant so that you can turn off your ringer!)
• Treat leisure appointments as seriously as business appointments. If you have plans to do something for fun, mark it on your calendar!

Make your self-care a priority, not something that happens (or doesn’t happen!) by accident.

(Source: rainn.org)

To all those men who don’t think the rape jokes are a problem:

oforganon:

I get it—you’re a decent guy. I can even believe it. You’ve never raped anybody. You would NEVER rape anybody. You’re upset that all these feminists are trying to accuse you of doing something, or connect you to doing something, that, as far as you’re concerned, you’ve never done and would never condone. 

And they’ve told you about triggers, and PTSD, and how one in six women is a survivor, and you get it. You do. But you can’t let every time someone gets all upset get in the way of you having a good time, right? Especially when it doesn’t mean anything. Rape jokes have never made YOU go out and rape someone. They never would; they never could. You just don’t see how it matters.

I’m going to tell you how it does matter. And I tell you this because I genuinely believe you mean it when you say you don’t want to hurt anybody, and that it’s important to you to do your best to be a decent and good person, and that you don’t see the harm. And I genuinely believe you when you say you would never associate with a rapist and you think rape really is a very bad thing. 

Here is why I refuse to take rape jokes sitting down…

Because 6% of college-aged men, slightly over 1 in 20, will admit to raping someone in anonymous surveys, as long as the word “rape” isn’t used in the description of the act—and that’s the conservative estimate. Other sources double that number (pdf). 

A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?

Rapists do. 

They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again. 

Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape, and other men just keep it hushed up better. And more, these people who really are rapists are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of mankind being rapists like them by things like rape jokes, that dismiss and normalize the idea of rape.

If one in twenty guys (or more) is a real and true rapist, and you have any amount of social activity with other guys like yourself, then it is almost a statistical certainty that one time hanging out with friends and their friends, playing Halo with a bunch of guys online, in a WoW guild, in a pick-up game of basketball, at a bar, or elsewhere, you were talking to a rapist. Not your fault. You can’t tell a rapist apart any better than anyone else can. It’s not like they announce themselves. 

But, here’s the thing. It’s very likely that in some of these interactions with these guys, at some point or another, someone told a rape joke. You, decent guy that you are, understood that they didn’t mean it, and it was just a joke. And so you laughed. 

Or maybe you didn’t laugh. Maybe it just wasn’t a very funny joke. So maybe you just didn’t say anything at all. 

And, decent guy who would never condone rape, who would step in and stop rape if he saw it, who understands that rape is awful and wrong and bad, when you laughed? When you were silent?

That rapist who was in the group with you, that rapist thought that you were on his side. That rapistknew that you were a rapist like him. And he felt validated, and he felt he was among his comrades. 

You. The rapist’s comrade. 

And if that doesn’t make you feel sick to your stomach, if that doesn’t make you want to throw up, if that doesn’t disturb you or bother you or make you feel like maybe you should at least consider not participating in that kind of humor anymore, not abiding it in your presence, not greeting it with silence…

Well, maybe you aren’t as opposed to rapists as you claim. 

<link> 

Self-Care After Sexual Assault

mentalscubadiving:

Physical self-care is an area that people often overlook.

• Food
  • Food is a type of self-care that people often overlook. People are often so busy that they don’t have time to eat regularly or that they substitute fast food for regular meals.
  • It’s not always reasonable to expect people to get 3 square meals a day (plus snacks!) but everyone should make sure they get adequate nutrition.
• Exercise
  • Exercise is one of the most overlooked types of self-care. The CDC recommends at least 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week.
  • Exercise, even if it’s just a quick walk at lunchtime, can help combat feelings of sadness or depression and prevent chronic health problems.
• Sleep
  • Although everyone has different needs, a reasonable guideline is that most people need between 7-10 hours of sleep per night.
  • See this Medline Plus article for more information about getting a good night’s sleep.
• Medical care
  • Getting medical attention when you need it is an important form of physical self-care.
  • Some survivors put off getting medical care until problems that might have been relatively easy to take care of have become more complicated.

Emotional self-care will mean different things for different people. It might mean…

• Counseling
  • This could mean seeing a psychologist, a clinical social worker, or therapist.
  • Local rape crisis centers often provide counseling or can connect you with a provider. Call (800) 656-HOPE or go to http://centers.rainn.org/to find a center near you.
• Keeping a journal.
  • Some survivors find that recording their thoughts and feelings in a journal or diary helps them manage their emotions after an assault.
• Meditation or relaxation exercises
  • Relaxation techniques or meditation help many survivors with their emotional self-care. For example:
    • Sit or stand comfortably, with your feet flat on the floor and your back straight. Place one hand over your belly button. Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose and let your stomach expand as you inhale. Hold your breath for a few seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth, sighing as you breathe out. Concentrate on relaxing your stomach muscles as you breathe in. When you are doing this exercise correctly, you will feel your stomach rise and fall about an inch as you breathe in and out. Try to keep the rest of your body relaxed—your shoulders should not rise and fall as you breathe! Slowly count to 4 as you inhale and to 4 again as you exhale. At the end of the exhalation, take another deep breath. After 3-4 cycles of breathing you should begin to feel the calming effects.
• Emotional self-care can also involve the people around you. It’s important to make sure that the people in your life are supportive.
  • Nurture relationships with people that make you feel good about yourself!
    • Make spending time with friends and family a priority
  • If you have trouble finding people who can support your experience as a survivor, consider joining a support group for survivors.
• Be wary of…
  • Friends or family who only call when they need something
  • People who always leave you feeling tired or depressed when you see them
  • Friends who never have the time to listen to you
  • Anyone who dismisses or belittles your experience as a survivor
• You can deal with these people by setting limits.
  • You don’t have to cut them out of your life (especially with family, that may not even be an option!) but choose the time you will spend with them carefully.
  • Make sure that your time with these people has a clear end.
  • Cut back on the time you spend with people who don’t make you feel good, or spend time with them in a group rather than one-on-one.
  • Screen your calls!! There’s no rule that says you have to answer your phone every time it rings. If you don’t feel like talking on the phone, call people back at a time that’s more convenient for you.
• You can deal with these people by letting some go.
  • If there are people in your life who consistently make you feel bad about yourself, consider letting those friendships or relationships go.
    • This can be a difficult decision. Remember that you deserve to have people around you who genuinely care about you and who support you.

Another challenge can be in finding time for fun leisure activities. Many survivors have full time jobs, go to school, volunteer and have families. Finding time to do activities that you enjoy is an important aspect of self-care.

• Get involved in a sport or hobby that you love!! Find other people who are doing the same thing!
  • Knowing that people are counting on you to show up can help motivate you.
• If you have a spouse or partner, make a date night and stick with it.
  • Turn off your cell phones (within reason. If the babysitter needs to be able to find you, consider leaving him/her the number of the restaurant so that you can turn off your ringer!)
• Treat leisure appointments as seriously as business appointments. If you have plans to do something for fun, mark it on your calendar!

Make your self-care a priority, not something that happens (or doesn’t happen!) by accident.

(Source: rainn.org)

LOVE VS. SEX

chocchipelephants:

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn’t afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he was waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God’s protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, “Because she wasn’t alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her.” Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you’re never alone. Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God? Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly believe in God. PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what and if you stand up for him he will stand up for you. I bet 93% of the people that read this wont repost it

So God and the angels are more than happy for a girl to get raped. They don’t mind that at all. She just didn’t pray hard enough. They rewarded the girl who prayed, yay! The girl who didn’t pray? Fuck her, what does she matter? Yay God, great judgement there. You can stop rape, but you don’t.

Fwiw I’m an atheist, but this kind of victim blaming shit makes me furious.

Rape Statistics (in the US)

shirrrley:

Prevalence

1 in 5 to 6 women in the US have experienced rape at least once in their lifetime.

Rape prevalence among women in the U.S. (the percentage of women who experienced rape at least once in their lifetime so far) is in the range of 15%-20%

Location

Contrary to popular culture, rape rarely happens outdoors.

Over two thirds of all rapes occur in someone’s home. 30.9% occur in the perpetrators’ homes, 26.6% in the victims’ homes and 10.1% in homes shared by the victim and perpetrator. 7.2% occur at parties, 7.2% in vehicles, 3.6% outdoors and 2.2% in bars.

Gender

U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (1999) estimated that 91% of rape victims are female and 9% are male, with 99% of the offenders being male.

Relationship to victim

According to the US Bureau of Justice Statistics, 71% of reported rapes are commited by someone they know; 26% by a current or former intimate partner, 7% another relative, and 38% by a friend or acquaintance. 26% of reported rapes are commmited by a stranger.

—-

Protect yourself. Protect your sisters, your mother, your daughters, and your friends. Don’t let her be a statistic.

All great except the last bit. I do my bloody best to protect myself but with the best will in the world, rapists will rape. Don’t tell me to protect myself. Tell my rapist not to have raped me.